I had the displeasure of going to not one, but two malls this weekend. I could’ve stopped at just one – in fact, I would have been thrilled to stop at just one, but the only place I seem to be able to find my favorite stretchy pair of GAP lounge pants is at the GAP Outlet, which required a trip to Gurnee Mills after my strikeout at Hawthorn Mall on Saturday. My old pair died an unfortunate death, and these pants are a vital and irreplaceable staple of my after work/weekend wardrobe. Anyway, as I circumnavigated the mall’s inner corridors, I came up with a few tips on proper mall behavior.
- By all means, bring your kids. Do not even for one second let the thought cross your mind to leave your kids with a babysitter. Kids of all ages love the mall, but infants especially enjoy being strolled in their strollers over other people’s feet, and toddlers love to test out their most ear-splitting screams inside the mall’s incredible acoustic chambers. Don’t have kids? Borrow someone else’s for the afternoon – everyone will be so glad you did.
- Store entrances were absolutely designed as congregating places. Can’t decide if you want to go into a particular store? Well, why not just stand there for awhile with your 20 children acting as an impenetrable force for more decisive consumers? Eventually you’ll decide one way or the other. Additionally, please make abrupt stops with your army of children as often as possible right in front of the decisive consumer that knows exactly where she wants to go. And whatever you do, do not pick up that leisurely pace of yours. Relax, take your time – you’re certainly in no rush and neither is anyone else around you.
- Skinny jeans. There are a select group of females that look good in skinny jeans, and most likely, you’re not in this group. This is not a Katy Perry song, and you’re too old to be someone’s “teenage dream.” If you’re above the age of 15, please think twice before you grease yourself into those skintight jeans.
- The mall date. Oh, there’s nothing like young love, but there is only so much canoodling over an Auntie Anne’s pretzel I can take. But, since there was no place to sit in the food court, it was nice of you to jump into the lap of your naval serviceman so that I could steal your chair while you licked cinnamon sugar off each other’s lips.